If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
