every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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