the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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