The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
