If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
