We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
