She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
