I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
