Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
A+ Viking dick
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
