apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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