I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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