the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
