i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
