you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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