so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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