Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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