Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
