I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
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He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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