she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
