The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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