I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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