get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
