Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
