Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
