omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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