Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
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