Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
