i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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