Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
