i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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