I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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