I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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