What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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