all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
