i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
