Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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