am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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