Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
