Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
