i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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