so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
