just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
