My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
