Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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