Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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