You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
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I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
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DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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