apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
