apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
