Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
