I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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