I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
