Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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