Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
