He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
