EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
not ubering you a puppy
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
