Nicole vs. Life
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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