I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
